


i wanna hold your hand

by waveydnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Holding Hands, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 08:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12790272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: It’s not like he can do what he actually wants to do, which is reach out and thread his fingers between Dan’s. That’s not something he can do. That’s not the life they’ve chosen.





	i wanna hold your hand

It’s cold as they make their way off the tube and up onto the street. Phil’s hands are stiff, the tips of his fingers numbing against the chilly November air. He shoves his hands into the pockets of his faux-fur lined denim jacket. Of course he does. What else is there to do?

It’s not like he can do what he actually  _ wants _ to do, which is reach out and thread his fingers between Dan’s. That’s not something he can do. That’s not the life they’ve chosen.

At least, it wasn’t, back when they’d realized they suddenly had thousands of eyes watching their every move.

Now it’s millions, and they live in London and can’t go outside without being recognized, so to link hands with seemingly no reason beyond the desire to feel their skin touching would be a confirmation that they just aren’t ready for. 

Well, Phil’s not ready anyway. He’s starting to wonder just when he finally will be. The thing is, it’s one thing to make a dick joke in a livestream or say ‘we’ and ‘us’ and ‘ours’ a lot. People can speculate about that all they want, he really couldn’t care less. He’s accepted over the years that people will read what they want into whatever he and Dan do. He can’t control that, so he’s given up losing sleep over it. 

But what he can control are the things that are real, the relationships and details of his life that are personal and intimate and true, and those? Those he still keeps close to the vest, seemingly at all costs.

Sometimes the cost is warming his hand in his pocket instead of his partner’s hand. Sometimes it’s sleeping in separate hotel rooms and spending Christmases apart and pretending the set in which he films his videos is his bedroom.

Sometimes the cost is knowing Dan’s not in the same place he was eight years ago, not in the same place Phil is now. Dan’s probably ready. Probably has been for a long time now. He’s never actually said as much, but Phil knows him better than anyone, and even the most casual of their fans can tell there’s been a noticeable shift in Dan’s onscreen behaviour over the past year or so.

Phil’s scared. Maybe Dan is too, but in a different way. Phil’s terrified of giving up that control, of lifting the curtain on the most important thing in his life. He hates to even think it, but maybe he’s still just the tiniest bit afraid of what some people will say, how some people will look at him when they know beyond a doubt that he shares his life—and his bed—with another man. 

Phil thinks what Dan fears is never being able to live his truth out loud. Sure, Phil has grown and matured during their years together, but at this point Dan is closer to a new person than he is to the angry, depressed boy he was at eighteen. 

They haven’t talked about it, but anyone can see things are different now. Every time they film, Dan leans in a little closer. Every time Dan edits a video, he cuts out a little less.

It’s not what everyone thinks. There is no ‘post-baking universe.’ Really, it’s more of a ‘post-recovery universe.’ And a ‘post-tatinof universe.’ A universe where Dan is consistently happy and healthy for the first time in his life and, Phil suspects, tired of hiding, tired of constantly holding himself back from his natural impulses whenever they’re not alone. Tired of tempering every fond glance, of suppressing the instinct to reach out.

Of course, Phil is tired of these things too. He is, and he finds himself giddy on Dan’s newfound daring whenever they’re sharing space in a video. It’s fun and a little naughty to give their audience little tiny snippets of the real thing after denying them so long. In the moment, when Dan’s egging him on, he thinks it might be alright, maybe he can do this. Maybe they can do this. 

But then they’re out in the real world, and he can’t even bring himself to hold Dan’s hand on the way to the cinema.  

He tries to remind himself that even this is progress. It’s terrifying and oftentimes he wants to run away from even thinking about it. It’s slow and sometimes painful and it’s a never-ending jumble of conflicting emotions and contradictory arguments inside his head, but it’s progress. 

For now he’ll content himself with his slow progress by grabbing Dan’s hand the second the lights in the cinema have gone dark. 

Dan looks down at their interlocked fingers. “How am I supposed to shove popcorn in my face now?” 

Phil grins. “That’s your problem, not mine.”

Dan may be a few miles ahead of him now, but Phil knows he’ll wait. They don’t really  _ need _ to have a conversation about it. They have a thousand other ways to communicate their needs to each other at this point. Phil knows Dan will slow his jog to a walk, or even stop altogether and wait with a hand stretched out behind him, ready wrap around Phil’s when the time has finally come for them to cross the finish line together. 

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr @waveydnp :)


End file.
